How to Not Deal with Anything: A Brief Memoir

One winter night, I accidentally found myself at an awesome Tera Melos show due to a series of strange events. They occurred in this order:

  1. E needed a ride to work because he was running late.
  2. I drove him in sweat pants and crappy t-shirt because I’m a beautiful tragedy of a person, but he left his long board (his ride home) at the house, which required me to head back to the house, put pants back on, and return to Pie Hole to drop it off.
  3. From there, I decided that since I was already wearing pants, I should go to that cool show everyone was bugging me about earlier today.
  4. I arrived at the show, realized I did not have any cash on me, and gave the nice but slightly judgmental girl at the door all the change in my wallet.
  5. She looked kind of pissed but stamped my hand anyway, so I figured we were cool. I made a mental note to buy merch later if I stumbled upon any cash. Let me gently remind you that earlier I was wearing sweatpants, which meant my hair was disheveled, I had a gross shirt from high school on, and the only thing gracing my skin was a layer of tonight’s acne cream.
  6. Upon observing my surroundings, I quickly realized that my ex-boyfriend (whom I have not seen since the day we broke up on horrible terms) and his (adorable) girlfriend were at that show, and so I did the mature thing and decided to pretend they didn’t exist. This had almost everything to do with the fact that I looked like human trash. Of course I would run into them for the first time in four years after I have literally just rolled out of bed.
  7. I vigorously avoided eye contact.
  8. I mean, it couldn’t have been more pathetic.
  9. At one point, I think they might have come over to talk to me, but I became extremely enamored by this weird prop sitting on the stage. It was a bodysuit with a hot dog sewn on the head, and I got down on the ground to pose with it. I know it sounds weird.

 

      10. Seriously. These are the things I do to avoid awkward situations.

But really, what do you do when the time comes to confront the reality that your ex still exists and likes some of the stuff you like and is a person that breathes and goes to the same shows as you? And his girlfriend is really nice and they both seem good together and you don't want to bother them with your presence? How can you gauge how these humans feel about you four years later? Do you make them uncomfortable? Is it a dick move of you to think they even care? Are you the dick for caring? How do you adult?

I suppose all my problems would have been solved had I just talked to them like a human woman, but it all felt so forced and awkward (because I made it awkward). Instead I put my purse over my face and posed with the hot dog. I did not buy any merch. I laughed a lot with my friends to distract myself from these two strange humans that I do not know how to be an adult around.

I should be sent to the island of misfit toys. Ship me off with the hot dog. We look good together anyway.